To me, my life is perfect. I have what I always wanted: a home and a family. I never thought this would be possible; I didn’t dream about it as other kids did when growing up. But it happened when Ben walked into my store. I didn’t even know his name, but I fell in love with him instantly. We’ve had our ups and downs; we even split up for a while. That time still fills me with sadness. But we came through it, stronger I think, because of it.

Some days are filled with love and laughter; others I find myself sitting in our bedroom, while Ben and Hunter are at the gym, worrying.

Worrying about the fact that my husband and son are HIV positive. Worrying that one day, I may be alone again. I try not to let these thoughts haunt me; I look for the best in the world, but it’s not always that easy.

Will the next time Ben gets a cold or the flu be the time it turns to something worse? Will his meds stop working, sending his viral load out of control? Will Hunter ever not be judged when people find out he is positive? Will he ever find what Ben and I have, someone who loves him, who sees past his disease.

I wake in the middle of the night sometimes and just lay there watching Ben breath. I’m pretty sure he knows I do this, something about the way he holds me when he wakes in the morning tells me that. He never says anything, and neither do I. It’s as if, if we don’t talk about it, it won’t happen. But it still scares me, terrifies me actually if I am completely honest.

A world without Ben would be like living in a world of darkness.