I watched the second hand of the clocking ticking over, the sound of it was the only noise in the apartment. I’d sat in this chair an hour ago, when it was still daylight, and now the only light in the room was from the street lamps outside our apartment. I wondered how much longer I would have to wait; Ben’s sessions at the gym had been growing longer. I knew what drew him there every day. He was not even prepared to miss one work out to spend an extra hour in bed with me in the mornings or come to my Mother’s for dinner like we were supposed to do this evening. I shouldn’t be surprised; the Ben of the last month was not the Ben who used to wake me up with kisses every morning. This Ben was distant and cold, his eyes turning dark when I made any attempt to talk about Paul, how his death had affected Ben and why he was doing this. He seemed to think if we didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t happening. But I knew better. So tonight, after listening to Uncle Vic and Rodney, I walked home slowly and made some decisions. I didn’t know if they were going to be the right ones, but I just couldn’t let Ben go. I loved him, and I knew he loved me. He was caught up in what he thought he needed. instead of seeing that I was here, waiting for him to open up and talk to me.

I shivered as the room grew colder but still didn’t move, perhaps knowing that if I did, I wouldn’t have the courage to do this. I looked down at the needle in my hand, the clear liquid visible even in this dull light. I didn’t want it near me, the temptation of throwing it back in the garbage was at the back of my mind, but only for a minute. This was too important; I had to do something, anything to show Ben what he was doing was going to cost him more than his health. I believed what we had was worth fighting for. I’d almost lost him once, but this time was different, it was his fear that was taking him away.

I heard a key turn in the lock and glanced at the clock again, another hour had passed, and now that the moment was almost upon me I admitted I was scared. I didn’t know what I would do if he choose the steroids over me. I lowered my hands, hiding the needle and looked at him as he walked into the room.