My heart belongs to Ben.

A lot of people believed I still loved Brian back then, and I did, but not in that way, not from the moment I laid eyes on Ben.

The feelings that I had so long for Brian, the ones I told Ben about one night, the feelings of friendship and love still remained. The other one had long since disappeared.

Looking back I knew nothing would ever come of it. For more than any other reason it would ruin our friendship, and to both of us, I think that was more important than anything else.

My family was his family. Our home was his refuge, a place to come to when his father arrived home drunk. He slipped silently out the backdoor to the sounds of plates being thrown, vile words being yelled and arrived on our doorstep, the tough front he put on for everyone else disappearing as Ma fussed over him. If it had been anyone else I know he wouldn’t have taken it but the fact he knew he was safe once inside our walls made him let his guard down.

The spare bed in my room was always made up, waiting for him, and we read comics under torchlight until sleep overtook us.

Over the years nothing much changed, Brian called and I ran. The tricks he picked up meant nothing to him, so I guess I always thought I stood a chance, to get what he freely gave to others. But then I realized that what he gave me was much more important. The friendship that we had forged in our childhood would last a life time and that meant more than some fumble in the dark, which would have left us both regretting the moment.

Brian will always have a small piece of my heart, but Ben is the one who makes my heart beat faster when he looks at me, who makes me feel I am the most important person in the world, who loves me without reservation, who accepts me for who I am and has never tried to change me.

As I said, it was love at first sight. Somehow I knew, without even knowing his name, that we would make a future together, that no matter what obstacles were put in our way we would work through them together. Sure, we’ve had our bad patches like most couples but our over powering love for each other will last forever. We are soul mates and my life without him in it would be meaningless.