I hold onto the illusion that Ben and Hunter will be around for a long time. There really is no reason for me not to believe that. The drugs are improving all the time, Ben keeps himself fit and Hunter is young.

But when I watch them swallow those pills every morning I cannot help but let feelings of hopelessness overwhelm me. I once said to Brian that I didn’t want to be the one to pack up their things, to turn off the lights but more than that I don’t want to end up alone.

Does that sound selfish? Maybe to some people, but it’s how I feel.

The thought of not having either of them in my life terrifies me.

I fuss over both of them whenever they just get a cold. I know it drives them insane. Ben has, over the years, learnt to accept it with good grace but Hunter still rebels against it.

I know Hunter wants to just forget he has it, that if he doesn’t have his regular check up’s at the Doctors, he won’t be reminded of it and of his mortality. He’s grown up so much but when it comes to discussing this he shuts himself off as he did when he first came into our lives. I understand that and accept it.

I leave Ben to talk to him when necessary; he always has the right words. As Ben has said to me on many occasions, I don’t have it, and because of that he and Hunter share a special bond that I will never understand.

He’s right of course. But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about them. In fact I probably worry more than they do.

We may not share the same blood but our lives are entwined and losing either of them would be like losing part of myself.