"Would you open the door please?" Ben said in a desperate tone, knocking at their bedroom door for the thousandth time. Michael had been in there for over half an hour and Ben didn’t have a clue what was going on.

"Go away" Michael said, pulling the bed covers over him and snuggling deeper into the bed. Tears stung his eyes and he wiped them away, hating the fact he always got so emotional over everything. He just wanted to be left alone but knew he wouldn’t be able to keep Ben out forever.

"Michael, please...tell me what’s going on. Did I do something wrong? What happened? Please, baby…you’re scaring me!"

Ben tried to fight the tears but did not succeed. If he only knew what was wrong! He had come home from college and they had planned on going out for dinner. Instead, he had found the door to their bedroom locked and Michael wouldn’t let him in. Ben was scared. He didn’t know whether he had done something to offend or hurt Michael or if perhaps something much more awful had happened. All he wanted to do was to take his husband into his arms and hold him close – but he wouldn’t let him.

Michael lay there, listening to Ben. He wanted to open the door and let him in, but he knew he wasn’t yet ready to talk to his husband about what was bothering him. He knew Ben would think he was being silly worrying over something they had no control over, but he couldn’t help it. These thoughts were always in his head, he tried to push them away but it was getting harder and harder to do so. He was torn between wanting to keep them to himself and wanting his husband’s strong arms wrapped around him, telling him everything would be alright.

Ben listened at the door for a few seconds more and when he still didn’t get any reaction from Michael he gave up. Michael seemed to need room and some time alone and Ben tried hard to accept that, but it wasn’t easy for him to just leave his husband in there, not being able to help and not knowing what was going on.

He wiped his tears away. "Okay, listen baby...if you want to talk...I’ll be downstairs, okay? I’m here for you when you need me!" With these words Ben turned around and walked down the stairs.

Michael listened to Ben’s retreating footsteps. He wanted to call out to his husband and tell him what was worrying him but couldn’t bring himself to utter the words. He snuggled deeper into the bed. He hated hearing the worry in Ben’s voice but he knew he wouldn’t pressure him, waiting until he was ready to talk. That was something that he loved so much about Ben, the way he always knew, without being told, when something was wrong, but always willing to give Michael the space and time he needed.

Ben sat down on the sofa in their living room and picked up a book. He started reading, but of course couldn’t concentrate. He had to read every line at least twice and after a while he gave up and just stared at the open page. The words blurred in front of his eyes and his thoughts wandered back to Michael. Was it something he had said earlier that day? Something he had done? It broke his heart to see his husband hurt like that. All he wanted to do was to take him into his arms to tell him that everything would be alright.

Michael woke with a start, taking a moment to realise where he was. He didn’t remember falling asleep and was surprised to find it dark outside. He could hear no movement in the house and wondered where Ben was. Had he finally got fed up waiting for him and gone out? He stretched and sat up, shivering as the cool night air hit him. He knew he was now ready to talk to Ben, so grabbed a jersey and walked towards the bedroom door and opened it quietly. The house appeared to be in darkness and his heart missed a beat thinking that Ben might not be here. He walked quietly down the stairs and into the living room.

Ben still sat on the sofa, simply staring into the dark. He had tried to fall asleep, but couldn’t. He simply worried too much. Several times he had started his way up the stairs, wanting to knock on the bedroom door again, but he had always stopped halfway up and had made himself turn around. He had not wanted to put any pressure on Michael, knowing he would come to him when the time was right for him.

When he heard quiet steps behind him, he immediately turned around and was relieved to see his husband. "Michael." he said in a friendly and warm tone and gave him a reassuring smile.

Michael stood in the doorway, feeling slightly ashamed of his behaviour but the smile on Ben’s face, which he knew was masking his worry, reassured him slightly. He walked over to Ben and into his arms, burying his head in his chest. He wrapped his arms around his husband, holding him tight, feeling safe and secure.

Ben held Michael close to him and it felt so good to have him back, to feel his breath and his heartbeat. Ben kissed Michael’s hair and stroked his back. He wanted to ask Michael a thousand questions but he didn’t say a word. He knew Michael would tell him and he wanted to give him all the time he needed.

Michael pulled away and looked up at his husband, seeing the love shining in his beautiful blue eyes.

"I’m sorry Ben" he said, dropping his eyes.

He felt Ben reach down, lifting his chin and looked into his eyes.

"Baby…" Ben said softly. "You have nothing to apologize for. Everything’s alright….everything will be alright! I’m here, okay?"

Michael wiped away his tears which were threatening to fall and gave Ben a weak smile.

"I love you Ben and I don’t want to lose you" he said quietly.

He saw a frown cross Ben’s face at his words and held his breath waiting to hear what Ben would say.

Ben heard Michael’s words and they hit him. He hated to be the reason why Michael was so sad and he would do anything in this world to be able to take his fears away, to be able to tell him that this would never happen – but he couldn’t. That would mean lying to him.

"Come here!" Ben whispered and took Michael into his arms again and held him tightly. He took a deep breath. "Listen baby…I know you worry about what will happen in the future and I am so sorry I am the reason you are in so much pain….you know I can’t promise you much but there is one thing I can assure you of: I will fight with all I have and I will take care of myself because I love you so much. You are the reason why I won’t give up, not on myself and not on us…because every day I am alive to be able to spend with you means more to me than anything else in this world. Your love keeps me strong and healthy and it will for a long time, okay. I will do everything in my power to be here with you as long as possible. I love you, Michael. So much."

Michael listened to Ben’s words and he knew everyone of them was true. He knew Ben did everything right and he always held onto that thought. But sometimes it all just got too much, and he needed time to himself, to sort his own mind out. He had known what he was getting into when he had made the decision to be with Ben all those years ago, and had never regretted it for one single second of his life. Ben was his life, without him it would mean nothing. He wondered if Ben truly knew how much he loved him, how even after all these years together his heart still skipped a beat at the sight of his husband. He wanted to tell Ben how scared he got but knew if he did it would only make his husband start thinking about his own mortality. Every day together was a gift and he was so grateful for them but at the moment all he could think of was the day when he might lose Ben.

Ben sensed that what he had said had not really consoled Michael, so he just embraced him even tighter than before. What else could he say? Nothing, no words in this world could take away the fact that one day he would have to leave Michael alone. One day, he would not be able to hold him anymore. Ben’s eyes filled with tears only thinking about it. Michael was so brave and so strong, he had to deal with this fact day in day out and still didn’t leave him. "Thank you for staying by my side no matter what!" Ben whispered.

Michael pulled away from Ben and looked up at him, tears flooding his eyes. He couldn’t believe Ben was thanking him, he was the one who was so grateful to have Ben in his life for whatever time they were given. That’s what he had to hold on to, the time they had now, and not worry about what was in the future. He had to starting thinking like Ben, living in the now, and he made a promise to himself that he would do that next time these dark thoughts came to him.

"I love you Ben, more than you will ever know" he said quietly. He reached up and thread his fingers though his husbands hair, pulling him close, seeking his mouth. The taste of his lips when they touched his was so sweet and he deepened the kiss, not wanting to lose contact with Ben in any way.

When Ben felt Michael’s lips on his it was like coming home. The taste of his husband’s mouth was so familiar and yet completely new every time they kissed. Ben opened his mouth a little and let Michael explore his with his tongue. Both of their tears fell and mingled and Ben could taste their salt. He ran his fingers through Michael’s hair and pulled him even closer.

Michael lost himself in the taste of Ben. He let his tongue explore Ben’s mouth, the soft moans he could hear from his husband sending a warm glow through his body. He ran his hands down his back and slowly pulled his shirt out of his jeans, running his hands up his back, wanting to feel Ben’s bare flesh. He was beginning to feel breathless from this kiss and slowly pulled away from Ben, his hands still moving over his bare back and looked up at his husband.

Ben looked at Michael, his eyes full of love. He brought his hand up Michael’s face and stroked a thumb over one of his cheeks. He placed a soft peck on Michael’s other cheek and slowly wandered to Michael’s ear, then down the side of his neck, covering every inch with soft kisses. He felt Michael’s hands incessantly stroking his back and Ben began to feel uncomfortable about what he was doing. Michael had been so depressed only minutes ago, and it wasn’t right to just brush his feelings off with a little sex.

Michael could sense that something was not right with Ben and couldn’t understand it. What had he done? Didn’t Ben realise that all he wanted at this moment, the only thing that would get these dark thoughts out of his head was for Ben to make love to him? He brought his hands up and cupped Ben’s face and looked into his eyes, surprised to see uncertainly showing in them.

"What’s the matter?" he asked, his voice trembling slightly, those damn tears threatening to fall again.

Ben looked into Michael’s eyes and it nearly broke his heart to see all this sadness in them. He brought his hand up to Michael’s. "Baby, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, you know there’s nothing I enjoy more than making love to you, but I don’t want you to think that I’m not taking you and you’re feelings seriously." he said quietly.

"Ben, I need you now…please" Michael whispered quietly, just knowing that he had to have his husband in his arms, to be able to feel and touch every part of him. The thoughts he had been trying to push out of his head coming back to him, of never knowing when this could be the last time he could do this. He shook his head trying to clear it and reached up and pulled Ben to him, his mouth seeking his. He felt Ben respond to his mouth and deepened the kiss, losing himself in the taste of Ben’s kiss, the way his tongue explored his mouth, the soft moans coming from his husband.

Michael’s words were all Ben needed to hear. If that was what Michael needed now, Ben was more than willing to give it to him. He gently pushed Michael onto the sofa without stopping the kiss and let his hands wander down and under Michael’s jersey, which he pulled over Michael’s head. Slowly, he began to kiss Michael’s chest, covering every inch of it with his lips. He circled one of Michael’s nipples with his tongue and then gently nibbled on it. He heard Michael moan quietly and the sounds that were coming from his husband’s mouth made Ben horny as hell.

Michael lay there lost in the feeling of Ben’s lips covering every inch of his skin. A shiver went through his body as Ben bit and licked his nipples, and he had to bite his lip to stop himself crying out. He reached out for Ben and pulled him on top of him and rubbed himself against his husband, his cock straining to be free of the restraints of his jeans. He reached down and unzipped his pants and let out a moan as his cock became free.

Ben pulled Michael towards him again and their mouths met for another passionate kiss. Ben could feel Michael’s hard dick rubbing against him and he had to restrain himself from losing control. Quickly, he pulled down his pants and guided Michael’s hand between his legs, hungry for his husband’s touch. Both of their moans were muted by the kiss, and when their lips parted again, Ben was breathless.

Michael began to stroke Ben’s cock slowly and felt a shudder go through his husband’s body. His own cock was throbbing and he reached for Ben’s hand and wrapped his fingers around his cock, a warm flush working its way through his body as Ben stroked him. He pulled Ben to him, seeking his mouth, he nibbled and bit on his lips before forcing his mouth open with his tongue and kissing him deeply. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could last, his whole body felt as if it was on fire from the touch of his husband.

He pulled away and looked at Ben.

"Bedroom" he said.

Michael didn’t have to say that twice. Ben stood, pulling Michael with him and they made their way upstairs, kissing incessantly.

Ben managed to get rid of his shirt and when they finally reached their bedroom Ben pushed Michael gently onto the bed. He didn’t waste any time finding the lube and a condom from their nightstand. Ben handed the rubber to Michael so that he could put it on him and squeezed some of the lube onto his fingers. He looked at Michael.

The lust that shone out of Ben’s eyes took Michael’s breath away. God, how he loved this man, he was his world and his life. He reached down and rolled the condom onto Ben’s cock, which he could see was beginning to weep. He pulled Ben to him and began to rub his cock against his, his body trembling, his breathing quickening. He felt Ben’s hand snake down between his legs and begin to finger his hole, opening him up.

"Fuck me now Ben….please" He begged.

"You want me?" Ben whispered daringly and pushed his fingers deeper into Michael. When he didn’t get a proper reply – only loud moans coming from Michael’s mouth - he asked again.

"How much do you want me?" he said, pushing even deeper into Michael than before and feeling his husband’s ass tighten around his fingers. He looked up and saw Michael with his eyes closed, and his mouth wide open. God, how beautiful he looked. How beautiful and how incredibly hot.

Michael lifted his hips, wanting to feel Ben’s fingers deeper inside of him. He let out a moan which Ben silenced with his mouth as he continued to push deeper into Michael. When they finally came up for air, Michael was left breathless, his body on fire and he knew he wasn’t going to last much longer.

"Ben…pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" he managed to stammer out.

Ben did not want Michael suffer much longer. Furthermore, he desperately wanted to be inside his husband as well. Hearing Michael’s moans, seeing the lust shine in his eyes and opening him up slowly had made Ben horny as hell. Quickly, he covered himself and Michael with some more lube, then put Michael’s legs on his shoulders and bent down, so that he could whisper in his ear.

"You ready for me, baby?"

Michael nodded his head, his eyes on Ben the whole time. He let himself relax as Ben entered him. The feel of Ben’s huge cock inside of him was the best feeling in the world, nothing else came close. He moved his hips in unison with Ben as they discovered the perfect rhythm. He reached up, pulling Ben to him, running his hands through his hair as he sought his mouth. He nibbled on his lips before forcing his mouth open with his tongue and devouring it.

Ben couldn’t stop a quiet moan coming out of his mouth as he entered Michael. It felt so incredibly good. When Michael pulled Ben toward him to kiss him, Ben accepted Michael’s tongue hungrily. He felt so incredibly connected to Michael and wished that this moment could last forever. Slowly but surely, his movements got faster and he grabbed one of Michael’s hands and squeezed it tightly.

Michael moved his hips in unison with Ben, the feeling of Ben inside him was the most wonderful feeling in the world. He felt wave after wave of pleasure travel through his body as Ben hit his prostrate time after time, causing him to bite his lip to stop himself from crying out loud. He held Ben’s hand tightly as Ben continued to push deeper and deeper inside of him and he knew he wasn’t going to last much longer.

"Ben….I’m coming"

Ben pushed deep into Michael again and again and could hear Michael’s moans. He wanted to feel him with every fibre of his being, wanted more of him with every one of his thrusts.

He could hear Michael’s words, could hear his name, could hear ‘I’m coming’, and it made him almost lose control. Ben squeezed Michael’s hand tightly and he quickened his thrusts again. "Yeah….come for me, baby!" he exclaimed and when he heard Michael screaming out his orgasm he couldn’t hold back his own any longer. He pushed into Michael one last time and with a moan safely exploded into the latex.

Michael held onto Ben tightly as he came down from his orgasm. He wanted to keep Ben inside him as long as possible. The thought of Ben fucking him without a condom, being able to feel him properly or to be able to taste him when he came in his mouth, overwhelmed him, making him shiver. He had never told Ben how much he wanted that, always knowing how terrified Ben was of infecting him.

Ben carefully pulled out of Michael, threw the used rubber into the bin and took Michael in his arms to hold him close. He stroked a thumb over his husband’s cheek and looked him deep into his eyes, sensing that something wasn’t right.

"What are you thinking about baby?" he asked in a calm voice and kissed Michael’s forehead.

Michael looked at Ben, seeing the love shining in his eyes, and knew that if he was ever going to say what he wanted, now was the time.

He lowered his head, his voice shaking slightly as he answered Ben.

"I…..I wish I could feel you properly inside of me. I know I shouldn’t think that but I can’t help it. Sometimes …….when we make love…I want to stop you from putting the condom on. I want to taste you when you come in my mouth. I want to feel your beautiful cock when you are fucking me, without that fucking latex between us."

He felt tears sting his eyes, but made no effort to wipe them away, just lay there, holding his breath, waiting for Ben’s reply, not being able to look at him, wondering how his words had affected his husband.

Ben swallowed. He sat up in the bed, tried to say something, but couldn’t. As much as he tried to show understanding for what Michael had just told him, something inside of him didn’t let him. All he could think about was that Michael was longing for something that Ben would never give him, could never give him. Michael’s words echoed in his head. "Sometimes when we make love….". Ben was hurt. He had never thought that Michael was lacking something, had always thought he was happy with him and with what they had. At the same time, Ben really felt sorry for Michael. That Michael had to put up with him and his disease day in day out, that it affected every part of their lives. Ben was angry. Angry at himself, angry at this fucking virus and angry that he could not give Michael everything he longed for.

Ben needed to clear his head. He climbed out of bed and headed for the shower. He hated to leave Michael in bed just like that, but he couldn’t help it. Ben’s worst fear was to maybe somehow infect Michael. It gave him nightmares, made him lay awake endless hours at night. Michael didn’t know it, but that was what he thought about every time they made love. That somehow some day something might go wrong – and Ben would never be able to forgive himself if it did.

Michael looked at Ben, seeing the hurt and pain in his eyes that his words had caused. He wished he could take them back. He didn’t want Ben to think that he loved him less because of wanting this, but he knew that was what Ben was feeling at the moment. He had seen it in his eyes and it made his heart break. Silent tears ran down his face as he watched Ben shut the bathroom door. He knew he was being selfish wanting this one thing, something that he knew was unobtainable, just a dream, a need, on his part and he hated himself for ever voicing those words. He loved Ben with every fibre of his being, the thought that one day he would lose him to this fucking disease was always on his mind. They never talked about it, but it hung there, unspoken, an unseen time bomb waiting to explode, to take away the love of his life, to change his world in a split second. Was this need of his, to taste, to feel Ben properly, worth the pain he had caused his husband? He knew Ben so well, that his words had left him feeling inadequate, that he wasn’t able to give Michael the one thing he wanted. Didn’t Ben realise that he gave him more than he ever thought he would ever find, he gave him unconditional love, made him feel safe and secure, loved him in ways he didn’t think he deserved. And now he had fucked it up and wondered how or if he could make it right. He climbed out of bed and walked towards the bathroom and opened the door slowly.

Ben didn’t hear Michael open the door. He was standing under the running water, his hand resting on the tiles of the wall, motionless, with his back to the door. It was like he was frozen in place. He let the water run over his body, washing away the last traces of the passionate lovemaking they had enjoyed only minutes before. Ben’s head was totally empty and at the same time full of thoughts. Thoughts that circulated only around one thing: Michael. His husband’s confession had pulled Ben back into reality in the harshest way possible.

Living in the now….how ridiculous. Fuck living in the now if the present wasn’t enough to make Michael happy!

Ben knew that he never could promise a future to Michael and that’s why he had always clung to what they had at the moment. Now, however, not even that was enough to give Michael everything he needed and desired and no matter what Ben did or how hard he tried, one thing was certain: it was something Ben could never ever give to him.

Michael stood in the doorway looking at Ben. He could tell by his body language how upset he was and he hated himself for being the cause of this. He wasn’t quite sure what to do. Should he go in and talk to him, try to explain his feelings or should he wait, give Ben time to calm down because he knew he was angry. Angry at him and angry at himself. He would be blaming himself for not being able to give Michael what he wanted, and that is not what Michael had wanted to happen. He knew what he wanted was never going to be possible, it was just this long held dream and he hoped that Ben would understand that.

He made a decision, closing the door behind him as he walked towards Ben. His hand trembled slightly as he pulled back the shower curtain and stepped under the shower.

"Ben, I’m sorry." He said softly, his voice shaking and those damn tears threatened to fall again.

Ben turned around and looked at Michael. It broke his heart to see how devastated he seemed to be. He wanted to just take him into his arms and hold him tight, but somehow he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to do it.

Ben shook his head. "Don't be." he said quietly. "I am."

And with these words he left the shower.

Michael stood there, silent tears running down his face as Ben pushed past him and out of the bathroom. What the fuck had he done?! He had known that Ben would be upset when he would voice that secret desire of his but he had thought they would talk about it so that Michael could tell him even though it was something he knew he would always wonder what it would be like, it didn’t mean he loved Ben any less because he could not give this to him. Christ, didn’t Ben realise how much he loved him, how he treasured and held onto every single moment they spent together, locking them away in his mind, pulling them out at quiet moments and reliving them all?

And now he had hurt Ben so deeply by having these selfish thoughts, thinking only of himself and not of how Ben would be feeling.

He walked slowly out of the bathroom and into their bedroom and found Ben sitting on the bed.

"Ben" he said quietly. No response, he didn’t even look up at him.

"Ben please….I’m sorry. I know you must hate me at the moment, and I deserve it. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I just get so fucking scared of losing you and…"

His words trailed off. He couldn’t do this anymore, stand here seeing the hurt and pain on Ben’s face. He pulled on some clothes before grabbing his coat from the closet and walked to the door.

"I love you Ben." He left the room, closing the door quietly behind him and ran down the stairs and into the rain which mingled with his tears as they streamed down his face.

The moment Ben heard the door close he broke down in tears. Goddamnit, why did he have to be so fucking stubborn?! Why couldn’t he have simply stood up and taken Michael into his arms, telling him that nothing could ever make him hate him?! That he loved him with all of his heart and always would, no matter what Michael desired. Now he had driven Michael away, without letting him have a chance of explaining. He had shut him off…again. He had done it so many times before and every time it had happened he had promised to never let it happen ever again. Ben knew how much it hurt Michael when he didn’t talk to him, when he just went away without saying a word, but sometimes he just needed to work things out by himself before talking to Michael about it. Michael was different, he always let Ben know what was wrong and shared everything with him. Ben wished he could be like that, too.

Still, he needed to think about what Michael had said and the more he thought about it, the more desperate he got. He wanted to make Michael happy, to give him everything he needed and desired – and now he knew that he would never be able to do that, that no matter how fulfilling and wonderful he had thought their sex life to be it was not enough to make Michael feel complete.

Ben heard the raindrops falling on the roof, knowing that Michael would be out there now, when he actually should be here, in their warm home, in Ben’s loving and secure arms.

Michael trudged down the street, his flimsy coat giving him little protection against the driving rain. He was cold and wanted to turn around and go back to his warm home and into Ben’s comforting arms but knew, at least right now, that was not a possibility.

He saw a diner open and crossed the road and pushed the door open, shaking the water from his hair before finding a quiet booth near the back. The place was almost deserted and he ordered a coffee from the smiling waitress, sipping it slowly, gradually feeling himself warm up.

He didn’t know what to do or how to make this right. His thoughts went to Ben, how hurt he had looked when he had voiced those words. The moment they had left his mouth he had wanted to take them back. Why did he always speak before thinking of the consequences?

Ben gave him everything and more that he could possibly want, how selfish was he to let this one desire, something that was a impossibility come between them like this? He hated any sort of conflict between them, but he knew they would always get through whatever was thrown their way, the love they had for each other was too deep seated for anything to change that, but he wondered if this time if he had hurt Ben too much to be forgiven.

After having sat on the bed for a while, Ben wiped away the tears that were still streaming down his cheeks and quickly got dressed. He walked down the stairs to the kitchen to make himself a cup of green tea. While preparing it, he glanced at his watch and began to worry. Michael had been gone for quite a while now. Ben could hear the rain lashing against the windows, the storm gradually getting worse .He sighed, took his cup into the living room, and sat down on the couch. He took a sip of the warm tea.

What the hell was he supposed to do now? Just sit here and wait? It drove him crazy knowing that Michael was out there, probably feeling cold, wet and very confused. What if something happened to him? It was in the middle of the night and he was out there all alone.

Ben let another fifteen minutes pass before he couldn’t take it anymore.

He put on some shoes, took on his jacket, pulled on the hood to at least protect him from the pouring rain a little bit, took his keys and left the house. He did not have a clue where to start looking for Michael, but he needed to do something, he needed to find him. Ben just hoped that Michael would not return home now to find the house dark and empty.

Michael looked at the clock on the diner wall and was amazed to see two hours had passed since he had left their house. He wondered what Ben was doing, would he be worrying about him or would he still be too angry to care?

The sound of the driving rain on the roof made him want to stay here, in the dry and warm, but he knew he couldn’t put off the moment of facing Ben any longer.

He took his cup back to the counter and headed out the door, pulling his coat around him tighter to try and get some protection from the rain.

By the time he finally reached their house, he was wet through and shivering with cold. His numb fingers fumbled with the key, finally managing to get the door open, only to be greeted by darkness. He flipped on the light and called out to Ben but nothing met his words except silence.

He pulled off his coat as he walked up the stairs and into the bathroom, turning on the shower as he struggled out of his wet clothes.

The hot water momentarily stung his freezing frame as he stepped under the shower. He stood there until he felt his body begin to thaw and the water was only running warm. He grabbed a towel and dried himself quickly, pulling clean clothes out the closet. He looked around their bedroom for any sign of where Ben may be, and noticed his keys, which he always put on the bedside table, were missing. He sank down onto the bed realising that Ben must have gone looking for him. Fuck, what a mess and he knew it was all his fault.

Ben was soaking wet, his clothes sagging. He had walked around the streets aimlessly, trying to think of a place Michael might have gone, looking everywhere he thought he could have turned to in his despair, but he had had no luck. The streets were deserted at this time of night, he had hardly seen anyone else at all.

Ben could feel the dampness of his clothes seep onto his skin and he began to shiver, knowing that tomorrow he would end up having a severe cold or even worse. He knew that any kind of sickness like that was poison for his nevertheless weak immune system, but at the moment he didn't care. He simply needed to find Michael and was worried sick. After having walked around for another half an hour Ben gave up, unnoticed tears streaming down his face while they mingled with the rain on his skin and dropped down to the wet pavement.

Ben fought his way through the wind and rain, back to their house, hoping that Michael would have found his way back there by now and if not hoping that he would return as soon as possible.

When he turned his key in the lock and opened the door to step in the hallway, his heart skipped a beat seeing a small ray of light shining through from under their bedroom door which he knew he hadn't left on.

Quickly, Ben got out of his jacket which he let drop to the floor with a dull thud. He was trembling with cold as he made his way up the stairs and quietly knocked on the door, his heart beating like crazy, waiting for Michael to answer.

The knocking on the door woke Michael. He hadn’t realised he had fallen asleep. He looked at the clock and saw that an hour had passed since he had climbed into bed trying to stay warm. It was somehow ironic that this was where all this horrible mess had started and now he had to face Ben, and try somehow to make up to him the hurt he had caused him by his thoughtless words.

"Come in" he called out, so much wanting to see him but in some ways afraid.

The door opened and he stood there looking at Michael. He was soaking wet and he saw him shiver and he burst into tears, thinking that if he got sick, it was his fault. This whole fucking mess was all his fault.

Ben saw how Michael burst into tears and it nearly broke his heart. He had not wanted for that to happen, for him to feel so bad.

Still shivering, he walked over to the bed and took Michael carefully into his arms. It felt so good to hold him close again and to feel him and his warm body. Ben ran his fingers through Michael’s hair and let him weep, rocking him gently trying to soothe him.

"It’s okay, baby. It’s okay." was all he could whisper into his husband’s ear.

Michael let himself relax in Ben’s arms, knowing this is where he was always meant to be.

He felt Ben shiver and pulled away from him.

"You need to get out of those wet clothes". He started to slowly undress his husband, throwing his wet clothes into a heap on the floor and pulled back the covers on the bed, so that Ben could climb in. He lay down next to him, wrapping his body around him, letting his warmth seep into his cold body. He gradually felt Ben stop shivering and reached up, kissing him tenderly.

"I’m sorry" he said, tracing his fingers down Ben’s face. "Will you ever forgive me for hurting you so much?"

Ben looked into Michael’s eyes as he pulled back from the kiss, gradually beginning to feel warm again.

"Michael…" he started, then hesitated again, trying to find the right words. "Michael, it’s not that you hurt me…it’s just….it’s just that…Michael, I just don’t know…I mean…."

Ben looked down, not knowing how he should explain. "Listen, baby…I…love you so much and I want you to be happy more than anything in this world. But…this is just something I won’t ever be able to…I won’t ever be able to give to you, Michael. And I…."

Ben had to stop talking again to take a deep breath. His eyes had filled with tears and they dropped down silently.

"Michael….I…you know, the worst fear I have is that somehow, no matter how careful we always are, that somehow something might go wrong, that somehow you might get infected. And…Michael, I would never be able to forgive myself if that ever happened. And now…now you tell me that you want something that would mean…that would mean exposing you to the virus…I, I just…Michael…I…I can’t do that. I won’t do that. I will never be able to fulfil your fantasy….and that means that I will never be able to make you happy, I will never be able to make you feel complete."

Ben had to bite his lips as more tears streamed down his face.

Michael had never wanted this. His words made his heart break. He could feel tears sting his eyes but he brushed them away in anger. Tears were not the answer, he had to make him understand that this fantasy of his was just that, a fantasy, something he let himself dream about. Why would he want a fantasy when he had the real thing?

"Ben…listen to me please" Michael took a deep breath, hoping his words would come out right. "I love you. I should never have told you what I wanted, but I did and I can’t take back those words. Yes I imagine what it would be like, and I think, if the positions were reversed, you may do that same. We are part of each other. I know what you are thinking before you even say the words sometimes. I know when you need to be held and when you need to be left alone. You have given me and continue to give me more love than I ever thought possible to receive. You have made me who I am. Yes, I had a life before I met you, but it had no meaning, I just seemed to drift along, always seemingly waiting for something to happen. Then I met you and I knew instantly when you smiled at me, what I had been waiting for. You make me complete, you make my life complete. I know you worry about infecting me, and you know how I feel about that. If it happened, I would never blame you, you need to understand that. What we have is real, every moment we spend together is priceless, I hold on to every second of them because I don’t know how many we will have. This is what I want, here and now, not some fantasy."

Ben heard Michael’s words and he knew that his husband felt very guilty about having told him what he dreamed about. Ben did not want this, but he also still did not know whether what he could give Michael would make him ever feel happy and complete. The way Michael had expressed this fantasy of his before, the words he had used, had left Ben with a feeling of inadequacy and helplessness.

"Michael", he started, not knowing whether what he would say could truly express what he felt.

"It is very important that you understand one thing: I love you. I love you more than you will ever know and I know deep in my heart that what you give me and the love we have gives me the strength to fight the virus because I want to stay with you forever and I won’t ever give up on us….and this is exactly the reason why you mustn’t apologize for telling me because I want you to be able to talk to me about everything….and I mean everything, Michael. I am sorry for the way I reacted before, that I walked away from you and turned my back on you. I shouldn’t have done that. It was very brave of you to tell me about your fantasy because you knew how it would make me feel. You told me nevertheless. And I thank you for that. You didn’t deserve my reaction. And maybe you’re right…maybe I would dream about that as well if I were in your position. I don’t know and can’t answer that.

It’s just….I mean, I know that you prefer reality over a fantasy, that you cherish what we have…but Michael….I want to be able to give you everything you want, everything you dream about and everything you desire. And it makes me…it makes me incredibly sad and helpless that I can’t do that and that I will never be able to in my whole life."

Michael felt tears sting his eyes as he listened to Ben’s words.

"Ben, I don’t know what to say anymore. We are just going around in circles, and I don’t think there is anything that I can say to make you understand that it doesn’t matter. I know you, every time we make love you will have my words in your head, thinking that you are not able to give me something that I dream about sometimes. I have told you how I feel, that without you, my life would be unbearable, but I also know that one day that will happen. That scares me to death. We have been through so much together and I know we will have other moments that will test us. I can only continue to tell you how much I love you and that you make my life complete, and that I am so sorry for ever telling you what I wanted. I just don’t know what to do."

Ben sat up in the bed, cupped Michael’s face with his hands and looked deep into his eyes.

"Listen, Michael, I…I can’t deny that I will probably think about your words when we’ll make love…but…" he sighed, not really knowing what to say.

"I love you Michael, and I will work on that, I promise. Baby, I…"

A silent tear streamed down his face.

"I’m so sorry, Michael."

Michael woke with a start, drenched in sweat. He sat up wrapping his arms around his body to stop himself shaking. Turning his head slowly he breathed a sigh of relief to see Ben lying next to him, snoring softly. It had just been a dream. He shook his head, trying to get the last remnants of it out of his mind. It had seemed so fucking real! He carefully climbed out of bed, hoping his movements wouldn’t disturb Ben, grabbed his dressing gown and tip-toed out of their bedroom and downstairs.

He walked carefully to the kitchen, not wanting to turn on the lights and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge, taking it to the living room and sinking onto the sofa.

It had all been so vivid, so terrifyingly real and he had no idea what had brought that dream out of his sub-conscious and into his head. He had always kept those thoughts well hidden, knowing how much they would hurt Ben and judging by his dream he had made the right decision, but somehow he knew that one day he would tell him.

Ben woke to find the bed next to him empty. He sat up to collect his thoughts and looked at the alarm clock.

Three a.m. .

He put on a t-shirt and opened the bedroom door. The hallway was dark, as seemed to be the kitchen downstairs. Where was Michael?

Ben was worried. When he walked into the living room he could make out Michael sitting on the sofa in the dark.

Ben carefully knocked on the open door, in order not to scare his husband.

"Michael? Are you alright, baby?"

Michael jumped at the sound of Ben’s voice.

"I’m ok". He could hear the shake in his voice and hoped Ben hadn’t picked up on it, because he was sure that questions were going to come if he had.

He watched as Ben walked towards him and sat down, and he took a swig of the water before

snuggling into his husband’s chest, and feeling his body slowly relax.

Ben stroked gently over Michael’s head and kissed his hair. He was fully aware of the fact that nothing was alright and that Michael was far from okay. He had known from the way Michael’s voice had sounded, and he could read Michael’s body language very well after all these years.

However, Ben did not want to put any pressure on Michael with some inquiring questions, so he just sat there and held him tightly to show him that he was there.

Slowly, Ben’s fingers traced a line down Michael’s shoulder, looking for his husband’s hand. When he had found it he squeezed it reassuringly and could feel their wedding rings clash in silence.

Michael realised that he had to say something. He wrapped his fingers in Ben’s and looked up at him.

"I had a dream" he said softly "It was so real."

He took a deep breath "I dreamed that I told you that sometimes when we make love I want to feel you inside of me without that latex between us, that I want to taste you. When….when I told you…..I knew I had hurt you and I tried to explain but…but you got so angry and I didn’t know what to do." He buried his head in Ben’s chest, scared to look in his eyes, not wanting to see that hurt and anger again.

Ben listened to Michael’s words and he immediately knew that this was not only something Michael had dreamed, but also something that he longed for in reality.

Ben took a few seconds before he answered and before he did he gently pushed Michael’s chin up so that he could look him in his eyes.

"Michael…I guess what you dreamed….and also what you desire in reality…well, baby, it’s only natural I guess. I mean, we both know that this is something I will never be able to give to you, that this will always stay a fantasy…but in a way, that’s also what fantasies are for. You know how much I worry about infecting you, but I sometimes also catch myself thinking about what it would be like without the condom. I let myself dream about it and you are allowed to dream about it, too. I know I would if I was in your place. I can’t deny that every time I have these thoughts I push them away because I feel very guilty that I even let myself go there…because I shouldn’t, because it’s an irresponsible thing to even ponder about."

Ben paused and softly stroked a thumb over Michael’s cheek.

"Baby, what we have is worth so much more than some unrealisable fantasy, we both know that. I love you, more than you will ever know. And I am proud that you told me what you just did. It took a lot of courage….courage that I didn’t have."

Michael listened to Ben’s words, he could hear the love and sincerity in everyone of them and he knew he was speaking from his heart. He wasn’t mad at him, none of the anger that he had heard in his dream were in his words. He blinked back his tears as he reached up and kissed his husband gently, running his fingers through his hair, pulling him closer, wanting and needing that closeness, knowing it would push all thoughts of his dream out of his head.

He pulled away and looked into Ben’s blue eyes, seeing the love that radiated from them and knew Ben was right. They didn’t need any fantasies.