Michael lies on the bed with Ben straddling his hips. He doesn’t move, he hardly breathes, he is just lost completely in the feeling of being inside Ben. He closes his eyes and lets this feeling wash over him.

This happens to him a lot, getting lost in Ben. He can be sitting watching TV and know, without hearing or seeing him, that Ben has walked into the room. It gives him a feeling of being completely enveloped in his husband. A feeling of becoming lost in that smile, those eyes, that body. It feels as if he is inhabiting Ben’s body, feeling, tasting, sensing, thinking whatever Ben is. It is as if this is the place he is meant to be,

His lips twitch in a smile as his mind goes back to the first time this happened to him

**He was about to bite into a sandwich in his newly opened comic book store, when the bell over the door tinkled and he looked up, and there he was. This vision of beauty in tight blue jeans and brown leather jacket. All coherent thoughts left his mind at that moment, it was all he could do to take his next breath. If anybody had asked him his name or where he was, he couldn’t have told them if his life depended on it. He sat there, lunch forgotten and watched, no stared, at this vision. Michael watched as he picked up comic after comic and then he looked up and Michael’s uneven breathing became even more erratic when he looked into those blue eyes.

Then this vision spoke, asked him something, what, he had no idea, it didn’t really matter, he just felt his legs go weak and his heart pound faster in his chest**

Oh God....that voice. Michaels body gives an involuntary shudder at the memory and it brings him back into the present. It still has that effect on him, that voice, even after 4 years together. Ben can be talking to him about something as mundane as the weather or as important as what he intends to do to Michael when he gets him into bed that night, and Michael feels himself growing hard, lost in that voice and he knows if Ben were to touch him, just a light finger touch to his hand or his face, he would come there and then..

Michael opens his eyes and looks up at Ben. He can see the lust and desire in his eyes and knows that his are reflecting the same back at him. Ben smiles at Michael and moves his hips slowly and a shudder goes through his body as he feels Michaels cock tease his prostate. Michael moves his hands and places them on Bens hips to hold him still so he can move deeper inside of him But Ben has other ideas. He smiles at Michael, licks his lips and bends down. He runs his tongue over Michaels lower lip before forcing his mouth open with his tongue. Michaels deep guttural moans reverberate through Bens mouth as their tongues tangle in each others mouths. When taking a breath becomes a necessity, Ben rains light kisses over his lovers jaw before moving down his chest letting his lips brush lightly over his fine dark hairs until he reaches Michaels nipples. He feels Michaels body tremble beneath him as he runs his tongue over it before taking it into his mouth and sucking on it. As soon as he feels it harden he moves to the other one. Michaels body is now covered in a light sheen of sweat as Ben continues to lavish attention on his nipples. Michaels hands are now tangled in Bens hair, his breathing laboured, he is ready to fuck his husband there and then so he moves his hips slightly and hears Bens deep moan. Ben sits up angling his hips so that Michael can move deeper inside him and his eyes widen as he sees Michael reach up and grab his cock rolling a condom on it before running his hand slowly up and down the shaft. Bens head is thrown back and he is gripping the sheets, his body on fire from the sensation of Michael inside him and watching him tease his cock. Michael knows Ben is close so he starts pumping his cock faster as he moves his hips, loving the moans coming from his husband as he continues to thrust deeper into him.

Ben cries out and his body shudders as he comes, shooting safely into the condom. Michael thrusts one more time and explodes as Ben collapses on top of him.

They lay there, wrapped in each other as the intensity of their orgasm abates and their bodies stop shaking. Michael slides out of Ben and throws the condom into the trash watching Ben do the same. Then he kisses his husband lightly on the lips before lying down next to him, his head resting on Bens chest, listening to the regular beating of his heart. He sometimes feels that if he can hear that beating and feel the rise and fall of Bens chest that things will always be like this, that the thoughts that sometimes come into his head after making love, thoughts of pain, misery, sickness and death have no place here, only thoughts of overpowering love for his husband..

He snuggles closer to Ben wanting to feel every part of his body against his, to stay in this moment, but these stray thoughts come back to him, thoughts that make him blink back the tears that are threatening to fall. He makes his mind think of happy times that he and Ben have shared and of the future they have to look forward to.

To the way it never ceases to amaze him how Ben seems to know what Michael wants and needs. When all he wants is to fall asleep with his husbands arms wrapped around him, their bodies wrapped in each other and to wake up the same way.

Then there are the times that he just wants Ben to fuck him. To rip off his clothes, slam him against the nearest surface and take him. A pure animalistic need to be fucked hard and long, to feel Ben ramming into him, wondering how his body is not being broken in two by the sheer force and power of Ben.

Then there are the special times, the times that bring a smile to his lips, when Ben can spend hours studying every part of his body, as if he may have left some piece undiscovered, some part he hadn’t touched, kissed or marveled at.

These are the times that Michael likes best, but they are also the times that scare him. He is somehow afraid of the intensity of Bens need to do this, his need to commit every part of his body to memory, as if he is thinking that this is the last time he can do this. He wants to grab hold of his lover and tell him that he is here, that he is not going anywhere, but he knows that this is not what is in Bens mind at these times. Somewhere deep inside him, he knows of Bens need to do this, to spend this time locking away these parts of Michaels body in a vault in his mind, when he is no longer able to see or touch the real thing. Michaels body shakes at the thought of this, of a time when this could happen, when his husband is too weak or sick to wrap his arms around him, smother him with kisses and whisper words of love to him.

He is bought out of his reverie by the touch of Bens fingers on his forehead, as if he knows the thoughts that are in Michaels mind and wants to push them away.

Michael lifts his head and puts his hands on Bens face and looks into his deep blue eyes and whispers "I love you" before kissing him softly on the lips. Ben wraps his fingers in Michaels hair and pulls him closer, deepening the kiss. Soft moans escape from both men as their teeth and tongues tangle in each others mouths. Michael moves slightly so that Ben can lie on his back. He places soft kisses on his lovers face before moving down to nip at his neck, kissing the small mark his teeth have made. He sits up slowly and begins tracing his fingers over Bens chest, stopping to pinch his nipples gently. He leans down and alternates between kissing and raking his teeth over them, watching them darken and harden at his touch. He starts to kiss and lick down Bens chest, running his tongue over his fine blonde hairs, while his fingers continue to pinch at his nipples keeping them hard and erect. Bens hands are frantically trying to reach for Michael but he moves further down, placing a light kiss on the top of Bens raging hard on before burying his face in his pubic hair. He inhales the natural scent of Ben mixed with the sweat that has gathered there. Bens moans are now getting louder so Michael lifts his head and smiles at him impishly before reaching for a condom and ripping the wrapper open. He slowly rolls in onto Bens cock before kissing the top of it and running his tongue around the slit. Michael takes all of Ben into his mouth and sucks on him slowly, moving his mouth up and down his shaft, keeping Ben on the edge. Bens hands are clenched, his fingers wrapped in the sheet as he tries to push himself further into Michaels mouth. Michael continues to torture his lover, keeping his movements slow and deliberate, letting his tongue lick around the head before hollowing out his cheeks and swallowing deeply. Bens back is arched and his hands are moving down Michaels back, his fingers digging into his flesh, leaving red marks on Michaels white skin. Michael can feel how close Ben is so he lets his cock fall out of his mouth and runs his tongue over his balls, nipping at them lightly, feeling them tighten as he takes them into his mouth and sucks on them gently.

"Michaeeeel" Ben moans as he tries to sit up and grab hold of him. Michael lifts his hand and pushes Ben down as he takes his cock into his mouth again and sucks on it deeply at the same time squeezing his balls. Ben lets out a loud moan as he explodes safely into the condom as Michael continues to kiss up and down his shaft.

As Bens body stops shaking, Michael slowly moves up the bed until he is lying next to his husband. He runs his fingers through Bens sweat drenched hair and kisses him tenderly on the mouth.

Ben looks down at Michael

"What were you thinking?" he asks

"When"

"Before, when you were a million miles away"

Michael smiles up at Ben

"That I'm always amazed at how you seem to know exactly what I want"

"And?"

"Nothing"

"Michael"

"That sometimes I get scared"

Michael feels Bens body tense against his

"Scared of what?"

"Of being alone"

"You’ll never be alone Michael, you have Hunter, your Mom, your friends"

"That’s not what I meant"

"What then?" Ben asks, wondering if he really wants to hear the answer.

"Of you not being here, of you getting sick, maybe not knowing who I am or why I am important to do, of not having you to wake up next to every morning, to know that you will be there when I walk in the door at night"

"Michael, you know what I always tell you, live in the…"

"Yeah, I know, live in the now" Michael pulls away from Ben and sits up "Well sometimes I want to say fuck the now, that I want to at least have the illusion of a future, that it might actually happen"

"You know I've never promised you that" Ben says softly "Michael, look at me, but I will promise you this. If I get sick, I will fight with every ounce of strength that I possess to stay with you, because I love you so much baby" Ben runs his fingers gently down his lovers cheek "and I’ll also promise you this, that even if I forget where I am or who I am, I will never forget who you are Michael"

Ben looks into Michaels eyes to see if the anger has gone, but they are black bottomless pits, as if he has shut himself off from Ben and the world.

He hates that he is the cause of these thoughts that come into his husbands head, to see the worry in his eyes every time he gets a cough or a cold, knowing that Michael is always wondering if this is the time when it could turn into something much worse.

He sometimes wonders if he does enough to show Michael how much he is loved. To let him know that he cherishes every moment spent with him, that he gives thanks daily for Michael coming into his life 4 years ago, that he took a chance with him, saw past his HIV status and saw him as a man who wanted the same from life as he did, marriage, a home and a family. Now that he has everything he has ever dreamed of he will do whatever it takes to keep it. He will continue with his yoga and meditation, he will eat well and exercise daily and take a shit load of meds to stay healthy and strong, not so much for himself but for Michael.

Ben shakes his head slightly to get rid of these thoughts and focuses on his husband. He tangles his fingers in Michaels hair and pulls him close, hoping to see the light come back into his beautiful brown eyes, but they are still dark and empty as if Michaels is still fighting the demons in his mind. He places soft kisses on Michaels eyelids and down his face, almost holding his breath, hoping that Michael will respond. He nips gently on Michaels lower lip, but his body remains still. He runs his tongue over his lips and then he feels it, just a flicker, but a response nevertheless. If he wasn’t so in tune with his lovers body he would have missed it. Ben cups Michaels face in his hands and looks into his eyes, trying to convey the love he feels for him. Michael gives him a weak smile, trying to show Ben that he's back with him and that he can see the love and desire in his eyes. Without a word being spoken Ben motions for Michael to turn around, and as he reaches for the lube, Michael kneels in front of him, his fingers gripping the sheet, knowing what's to come. Ben squeezes some lube onto his fingers and slowly pushes one into his lover. Michael gives a low groan at the intrusion and turns his head slightly, begging with his eyes for more. Ben slowly pushes in another then another until Michael has taken three. He keeps his movements steady, opening Michael up slowly while his other hand moves lovingly up and down his chest, running his fingers around his nipples, before tweaking them gently, just enough for them to become hard.

Michaels breathing is beginning to quicken "Ben....I need you" he murmurs softly as he pushes his hips back against his husband.

Ben reaches for a condom and rips the packet open with his teeth before rolling it onto his throbbing cock. He covers himself and Michael liberally with lube before pulling Michael close and entering him slowly. A soft whimper escapes from his lover as Ben stills himself, letting Michael adjust to his size. Ben moves his hands down Michaels chest, feeling his muscles contract under his touch, before running his fingers through his pubic hair and he feels his body quiver as he moves his hand slowly up his cock.

Michael reaches round and threads his fingers through Bens hair pulling him close, desperately seeking his mouth. Their tongues meet, battling and clashing, both men wanting to taste and feel more of each other. Ben continues to move his hand slowly up and down Michaels cock, feeling the wetness as he runs his fingers over the slit. When air becomes a necessity, both men groan audibly as their mouths part. Ben grabs holds of Michaels hips and pulls him closer as his cock teases his prostate making Michaels body shudder against his. Ben can see the sweat glistening on Michaels white skin and he cant help himself as he licks at the droplets on Michaels neck. He runs his tongue over the contours of Michaels neck and kisses up it softly until he reaches his ear, running his tongue around the edge before nipping at it gently, hearing a sharp intake of breath from Michael.

He can feel Michael pushing against him, wanting to feel him deeper inside of him but he keeps his movements slow, bringing Michael almost to the brink before pulling back and letting his body relax.

Michael reaches round and grabs Bens hips, pulling him closer, his fingers digging into his husbands flesh. Ben knows that he will have bruises there tomorrow as he reaches round and grips Michaels hands, their wedding rings digging into their fingers as he continues to push into him, managing to hit his prostate every time, causing his lovers body to tremble against his. Ben unlatches his fingers from Michaels and brings his hand down to slowly stroke Michaels cock.

"Oh God…." Michael whimpers as Ben continues to torture him, pushing into him deeply and at the same squeezing his balls and pumping his cock in rhythm with his thrusts, wanting Michael to come at the same time as him.

"Ben…I’m coming" Michael groans as he shoots over the bed, his body slamming back against Bens. Ben holds him close as he thrusts once more and feels his balls tighten as he explodes into the condom.

They collapse onto the bed, both of them panting and breathless, their bodies twitching and shaking from their orgasms, hands moving over each others bodies, mouths reaching for each other, not wanting to lose their physical contact, not wanting the moment to end, both wondering what could possibly be better than this and then realizing with a clarity that amazes them both, that nothing ever could.

Ben turns on his side and Michael nestles into him, his back against Bens chest, their legs entwined, fingers locked together, keeping that contact, which goes beyond physical, it is all encompassing, shutting out anything or anyone else which might exist in the outside world. This is their world, a world that is full of hope and dreams, Birthdays and anniversaries to look forward to and to celebrate. Most people take these things for granted but for Michael and Ben every moment is precious, every minute spent together is to be treasured, never wasted, never squandered. Both of them know how fragile and tenuous life can be, and if they don’t grasp and hold onto these moments, they could slip by unnoticed to be relegated to mere memories to vague thoughts that come into their heads from time to time.

They let their bodies relax, waiting for sleep to come, each lost in their own thoughts now, Ben wrapping his arms tighter around his husband, letting the warmth from Michaels body seep into his, were the words that give his life meaning and purpose *I’ve got Michael*.

And Michael. Michaels last thoughts before he let sleep claim him, having given up on trying to stem the tears which were now flowing freely down his face, were the words that he knows he has to live by *I’ve got Ben and its time to live in the now* as he feels his husband reach round and wipe away his tears with this thumbs before they fall asleep waiting for the beginnings of a new day…where they belong…in each others arms.