Michael sat on the bed, arms wrapped around his knees, trying not to cry. He had just spent two days sitting by Ben’s beside at the hospital and he was exhausted. He knew Ben would be fine, the doctor’s assured him that they would change his meds once again and not to worry, this happened sometimes. Yeah right, don’t worry. Like that was going to happen. He hadn’t wanted to leave, but Ben insisted, telling him to go home and rest and not to worry. Those fucking words again, don’t worry! Ben didn’t seem to be worried, just accepted it as part of having this fucking disease and he wished he could think of it the same way, but no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t.
He’d voiced these thoughts to Brian one day and had got the response that he had expected "God, Mikey, you’re pathetic, stop worrying. You and the Professor are going to have a long, though somewhat boring, life together in your domestically."
So he kept his worries to himself. If Brian didn’t get it, he knew his Mother wouldn’t. She fussed around Ben whenever he got sick but he always had this niggling doubt in the back of his mind that no matter how much she said she was happy that he and Ben had made this life together, he felt that she wished he had found someone else. It was nothing he could put his finger on, just a feeling that he had somehow disappointed her. He loved her but Ben came first in his life. He finally had everything he had ever wanted, a home, a family and he was so grateful for every minute of it and tried so hard not to let thoughts of losing Ben overwhelm him. He knew that Ben did everything right and that there was no reason to think he would lose him but the thought still haunted him.
He heard the front door slam and loud footsteps run up the stairs. He looked up as Hunter came bounding into the room.
"What’s for dinner? I’m fucking starving and I want to go….." he stopped mid sentence "What’s the matter, is Ben….."
"Ben’s fine"
"So….?"
"Nothing.…ok. I will come and cook some dinner soon."
Hunter walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.
"If Ben is fine, then why the fuck are you crying?"
"I’m not!"
"Whatever!"
He averted his eyes, knowing that Michael was feeling embarrassed at being caught like this. He knew damn well what the problem was. His father was so easy to read, his eyes always showed his emotions so clearly. Over the years he had seen the way he watched Ben, seemingly committing every part of him to memory, as if he may just disappear in a puff of smoke. It sometimes scared him the depth of feelings they had for each other and he wondered how either of them would exist without the other.
Growing up he had never known that love like his father’s shared actually existed and at first he had been skeptical of it, wondering if they were doing it for his benefit, but now he knew that it was real and he hoped that one day he would find something that even came close to it.
He sneaked a look at Michael but could tell he was still lost in his own thoughts and held his silence. He sometimes wondered what it must be like for him, having a husband and son who were positive. He just couldn’t imagine how he dealt with it.
He made a point of always keeping his meds well hidden in his room, thinking that if Michael didn’t have to see them he wouldn’t have to worry about him as well as Ben.
He thought back to a day when he had come home early from school and found Michael in his room, which he had obviously been cleaning, sitting on his bed, the bottles of meds in his hands. He had stood at the door, hidden in the shadows, watching him, wondering what was going through his mind. Through Ben he had learnt that being positive didn’t have to consume his life, and apart from swallowing meds twice a day, he didn’t really think about it much. But he knew Michael did and he wished there was something he could do for him. They had both given him so much, had stuck by him no matter how much shit he had put them through over the years, and had given him the one thing that no one else had ever done, unconditional love.
He felt the bed move as Michael reached for a tissue and wiped his face with it, before throwing it towards the bin, which it missed and landed on the floor.
He gave Hunter a weak smile.
"Guess you and Ben are the basketball players in the family huh."
"Hey, you’re good at other things"
"Like what?"
"Ummm…."
"See!"
"You’re good at……cleaning! And you can cook, sorta."
"Smart ass"
He ducked as Michael’s hand threatened to smack him over the head, glad to see he managed to get a smile from him.
"Speaking of cooking…what’s for dinner?"
"Sloppy Joes? I can hardly stuff those up!"
"Cool. Are you going back to the hospital later?"
He saw Michael’s eyes darken and could have kicked himself for bringing those thoughts back into his head.
"Yeah. I’ll spend the night there, if you don’t mind being home alone?"
"That’s cool. I’m gonna meet up with some of the guys and probably just watch movies for a while. I won’t be home late, so don’t worry, ok?"
"You’re a good boy."
"Hey, don’t tell anyone that, it won’t do my reputation any good!"
Michael’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes and he knew that his thoughts were still with Ben.
"Ben’s going to be fine, so stop worrying about him as well"
"Who said I was worrying?"
"You worry about everything"
"I try not to."
"I know but you just can’t help it, right?"
"I guess."
"Michael…."
"What?"
"Doesn’t matter."
"Hunter, come here." Michael knew he had something on his mind and he patted the bed next to him and after a few seconds Hunter scooted up the bed, grabbing the spare pillows and made himself more comfortable.
"What’s on your mind?"
"How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Not let all this get you down"
"What do you mean?"
"Us. Me and Ben. Being positive. I mean, ok, you knew what you were getting into with Ben but then I came along. Did you ever think, I can’t do this, enough is enough."
"When Ben found out you were positive he was determined to give you a home"
"That’s Ben. What about you?"
"At first I wasn’t sure."
"Why?"
"Not for the reason you’re thinking. It had nothing to do with you being positive."
"What then?"
"I knew nothing about being a father. I was worried I wouldn’t do it right, let you down."
"But you did it"
"Yes."
"And you don’t regret it?"
"Never! Not for a moment."
"What made you change your mind. I mean I didn’t exactly make things easy for you did I."
"No you didn’t."
"So why did you do it?"
"Cause underneath that smart ass exterior that you showed, I know you needed us as much as we needed you. And because we…I loved you."
"You’re a good father."
"I am?"
"Yeah."
"Thanks."
Michael ruffled Hunter’s hair, pulling him closer.
"Can I ask you something else?"
"Sure."
"Do you worry about getting it. I mean getting infected."
He felt Michael tense slightly and looked at him. He had that dark look in his eyes again and he wondered if he had pushed things too far, but they didn’t get many moments like this, just the two of them.
"Ben and I are very careful."
"I know. I’ve listened to your safe sex lectures often enough. But it could happen."
"Yeah I know."
"And it doesn’t worry you?"
"I don’t really think about it. But if it did, I would accept it. It’s a risk I take and am happy to take to be with Ben…and before you ask….no, I wouldn’t blame Ben if it did."
"How did you know I was going to ask that?"
"Cause most people do. There are still a lot of people who don’t believe in pos/neg relationships, but you can’t help who you fall in love with. I waited 30 years to find Ben. I nearly stuffed it up because of listening to other people, instead of going with what I felt."
"So it’s all worth it. The worrying, about Ben, about me?"
"Yes, I wouldn’t want it any other way. We are a family."
"So you will stop worrying so much then?"
Michael looked at Hunter, wondering how this kid had grown so wise in such a short time.
"I’ll try, ok?"
"Ok"
"So how about I cook us some dinner and then you can go and meet your friends."
"Nah…I’d rather come to the hospital with you. If that’s ok, I mean."
"You sure? You don’t have to."
"Yeah I’m sure. That’s what families do isn’t it, stick together."
"Careful…that reputation of yours is going to end up in tatters shortly."
"Now who’s the smart ass!" Hunter replied, jumping up off the bed and heading out the door with Michael at his heels.