“Because you expect too much!” 

Brian’s words hung in the cold night air. 

“Fuck you Brian.” I yelled as Brian began to walk away,waiting for his reply, because I knew he would want the last word as always. He didn’t disappoint. 

“Stop being such a drama queen Mikey.” His voice carried on the wind as I turned and walked away, kicking the leaves that scattered in front of me. 

I walked, where to I wasn’t sure; head down against the wind, hands dug deeply into my pockets trying to ward off the cold of the night. But it wasn’t just the cold of the night that made me shiver as memories of Ben’s words, full of hurt and accusation filled my head. 

How could I have fucked up so badly? Was Brian right, did I expect too much? 

I sighted a bench in the distance and headed towards it, sitting and burying my face in my hands. 

I loved Ben, nothing would change that and I believed that he loved me -- until tonight that is. Even in the short time we had been together I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 

Was that expecting too much? Wanting someone to hold you in the middle of the night, to share your dreams and hopes with. To laugh and to cry with. To have a future with. 

The thought of how long a future we may have never left my mind. That fucking disease! I knew it could take him from me in the blink of an eye. All the more reason to live every day to the fullest I thought. 

“Hate wasting time, life’s too short.” Ben had once said to me. If he truly believed those words why did he do what he did tonight? Humiliate me and himself in front of family and friends. 

He’d said he didn’t want a fuss made of his birthday but of course I didn’t listen. Nothing new there. I went on my merry way doing what I wanted instead of listening to what Ben had said. 

I’d stormed out of his apartment and now I wondered if I should have stayed and tried to talk to him. Deep down I knew it was more than the party that had caused his reaction. 

Drops of rain began to fall but I didn’t move. I needed to get my thoughts straight before I talked to him. I just didn’t know if I had the words to explain my insecurities, the thoughts I had of never being good enough for him, or trying too hard to fit in. 

I now realized I’d done that most of my life. Hiding my sexuality, my feelings for Brian, never quite able to show the world exactly who I was. 

With Ben it’s different. I can be myself and he loves me for who I was am, not who he wants me to be. 

That is why I have to make this right. He loves me unconditionally. No one else has ever done that. 

“You expect too much”. Yes Brian, maybe I do. And maybe I would continue to be hurt by doing so. But it was worth the risk when you found someone who loved you despite that.